“A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd.”

— Max Lucado

So what's it going to be?

The most important question you can ask yourself. 

Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.

Everybody wants that — it’s easy to want that.

If I ask you, “What do you want out of life?” and you say something like, “I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,” it’s so ubiquitous that it doesn’t even mean anything.

Everyone wants that. So what’s the point?

What’s more interesting to me is what pain do you want? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives end up.

Everybody wants to have an amazing job and financial independence — but not everyone is willing to suffer through 60-hour work weeks, long commutes, obnoxious paperwork, to navigate arbitrary corporate hierarchies and the blasé confines of an infinite cubicle hell. People want to be rich without the risk, with the delayed gratification necessary to accumulate wealth.

Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome relationship — but not everyone is willing to go through the tough communication, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle. They settle and wonder “What if?” for years and years and until the question morphs from “What if?” into “What for?” And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail they say, “What was it all for?” If not for their lowered standards and expectations for themselves 20 years prior, then what for?

Because happiness requires struggle. You can only avoid pain for so long before it comes roaring back to life.

At the core of all human behavior, the good feelings we all want are more or less the same. Therefore what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we’re willing to sustain.

"Nothing good in life comes easy," we’ve been told that a hundred times before. The good things in life we accomplish are defined by where we enjoy the suffering, where we enjoy the struggle.

People want an amazing physique. But you don’t end up with one unless you legitimately love the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.

People want to start their own business or become financially independent. But you don’t end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to love the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not. Some people are wired for that sort of pain, and those are the ones who succeed.

People want a boyfriend or girlfriend. But you don’t end up attracting amazing peoplewithout loving the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections, building the sexual tension that never gets released, and staring blankly at a phone that never rings. It’s part of the game of love. You can’t win if you don’t play.

What determines your success is “What pain do you want to sustain?”

I wrote in an article last week that I’ve always loved the idea of being a surfer, yet I’ve never made consistent effort to surf regularly. Truth is: I don’t enjoy the pain that comes with paddling until my arms go numb and having water shot up my nose repeatedly. It’s not for me. The cost outweighs the benefit. And that’s fine.

On the other hand, I am willing to live out of a suitcase for months on end, to stammer around in a foreign language for hours with people who speak no English to try and buy a cell phone, to get lost in new cities over and over and over again. Because that’s the sort of pain and stress I enjoy sustaining. That’s where my passion lies, not just in the pleasures, but in the stress and pain.

There’s a lot of self development advice out there that says, “You’ve just got to want it enough!”

That’s only partly true. Everybody wants something. And everybody wants something badly enough. They just aren’t being honest with themselves about what they actually want that bad.

If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six pack, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten.

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe you don’t actually want it at all.

So I ask you, “How are you willing to suffer?”

Because you have to choose something. You can’t have a pain-free life. It can’t all be roses and unicorns.

Choose how you are willing to suffer.

Because that’s the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have the same answer.

The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?

Because that answer will actually get you somewhere. It’s the question that can change your life. It’s what makes me me and you you. It’s what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.

So what’s it going to be?

“Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”

— Unknown

“Knowing but not doing, is the same as not knowing”

— Unknown

50 Universal Truths About Success

1. Have a passion for your work. If your work is meaningful to you, your work life will be a joy.
2. If you can’t be passionate about the work itself, be passionate about the reason you do it. Maybe you don’t love your job/company/career, but the money and benefits are good for your family. Be passionate in your choice to do right by your family.
3. If something needs changing, be the one to lead the change. If you dislike your job but are stuck, work on getting the skills that will get you unstuck. If there’s a problem at your office, work on being the one solve it.
4. Start small and build from there.
5. Do the obvious stuff first, then progress to the harder stuff. (Otherwise known as going for the low-hanging fruit.)
6. If it’s not broke, don’t fix. Do improve it.
7. The hardest lesson to learn is when to keep going and when to quit. No one can teach you that. At some point, you have to choose.
8. The definition of crazy is to do the same thing the same way and expect a different result. If the result isn’t good, change something.
9. No one succeeds alone.
10. Ask for help. Be specific when asking. Be graceful and grateful when help comes.
11. Surround yourself with positive people and you’ll have a positive outcome.
12. Embrace diversity. The best way to compensate for your own weaknesses is to pick teammates who have different strengths.
13. People experience the world differently. Two people can attend the same meeting and walk away with different impressions. Don’t fight that. Use it.
14. You don’t have to like someone to treat that person with respect and courtesy.
15. Don’t “should” all over someone, and don’t let someone else “should” all over you.
16. No matter what you do or how much you achieve, there are always people who have more.
17. There will always people who have less, too.
18. No matter how much you excel at things, you are not a more worthwhile human being than anyone else. No one else is more worthwhile than you, either.
19. If you spend most of your time using your talents and doing things you are good at, you’re more likely to be happy.
20. If you spend most of your time struggling to improve your weaknesses, you’re likely to be frustrated.
21. Practice is the only true way to master a new skill. Be patient with yourself while you learn something new.
22. The only way to stay fresh is to keep learning new things.
23. To learn new things means being a beginner, and that means making mistakes.
24. The more comfortable you grow with making beginner mistakes, the easier it is to learn new things.
25. You will never have all the resources (time, money, people, etc.) that you want for your project or company. No one ever has all the resources they want.
26. A lack of resources isn’t an excuse. It’s a blessing in disguise. You’ll have to get creative.
27. Creativity and innovation are skills that can be learned and practiced by doing your usual things in a new way.
28. Take calculated risks.
29. In the early stages of a company, career, or project, you’ll have to say “yes” to a lot of things. In the later stages, you’ll have to say “no.”
30. Negative feedback is necessary. Don’t automatically reject it. Examine it for the nuggets of truth, and then disregard the rest.
31. When delivering criticism, talk about the work, not the person.
32. Think big. Dream big. (The alternative is to think small, dream small.)
33. Treat your dream as an ultimate roadmap. You don’t have to achieve your dream right away, but the only way to get there is to take many steps toward it.
34. If you think big, you will hear “no” more than you hear “yes.” They don’t get to decide. You do.
35. How long it takes you to create something is less important than how valuable and worthwhile it will be once it’s created.
36. If there is one secret to success, it’s this: communicate your plans with other people and keep communicating those plans.
37. Grow your network. Make an effort to meet new people and to keep in contact with those you know.
38. No matter what technology or service you are creating/inventing at your company, it’s not about the product; it’s always about the people and the lives you will improve.
39. No matter how successful you get, you can still fail and fail big.
40. Failure isn’t a bad thing. It’s part of the process.
41. Things always go wrong. The only way to keep that from hurting you is to plan for that.
42. Learn how to respectfully, but firmly, say “no.”
43. Say “yes” as much as you can.
44. In order to say “yes” often, attach boundaries or a scope of work around your “yes.”
45. No matter how rich, famous, or successful another person is, inside that person is just a human being with hopes, dreams, and fears, the same as you.
46. Getting what you want doesn’t mean you’ll be happy. Happiness is the art of being satisfied with what you already have.
47. Working with difficult personalities will be a part of every job. Be respectful, do your job well, and nine times out of 10 that person will move on.
48. For that one-out-of-10 time, remember you aren’t a victim. Do what you need to get a new job.
49. As soon as you have something to demonstrate, get an executive champion to back or support your project.
50. Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.

5 Essential Ingredients to Doing What You Love For a Living

I came across a short article of a corporate lackey turned professional culinary artist.  Here she shares her essential ingredients to doing what you love.  I have been formulating my own, but not quite ready to share them with you just yet.  In meantime it doesn’t hurt to get different perspectives. 

1. Treat goals like recipes. Remember to take it one step at a time.
It’s easy to get mired in the day-to-day, and though you may be doing something you love broadly speaking, that doesn’t mean you will love it all the time. Segmenting my goals and having a clear vision has allowed me to stay calm and focused on the process. Keep your ultimate objectives in mind, but try to appreciate and not look past where you are today. I often remind myself that I’m always learning and getting a little closer to my dream.

2. Get to know the people who came before you.

When I changed careers, I studied star chefs like Jean-Georges and Thomas Keller as well as people with successful food and lifestyle brands like Martha Stewart and Giada de Laurentiis. I wanted to better understand the landscape as well as the successes and mistakes these guys had made. I never expected to take their exact path, but I did gain an understanding of what went into their level of achievement.

3. Always have something to offer.
I do a fair bit of traveling, learning from chefs and home cooks around the world. When I visit a new location, I like to shadow cooks in professional or home kitchens to learn their techniques and dishes. This has been a huge challenge as both a foreigner and a female. I usually start small, asking if I can watch service for the day. In exchange, I offer to prep and make something, whether that be the staff’s family meal or a recipe the chef may not know. Taking a little more time to build trust and having something to offer helps open people up more.

4. Seek help from those who do it better than you can.

Use your network and resources thoughtfully. If you don’t have a skill, you likely know someone who does. For example, I wanted to photograph the recipes from my book myself but I wasn’t a pro food photographer. I bought a great camera, reached out to a talented photographer and friend who was willing to teach me and prepared myself for trial and error.

5. Prepare to be uncomfortable, both physically and mentally.
Some of the greatest lessons and most gratifying experiences have come from times when I wasn’t entirely comfortable with what I was doing. I’m not just talking about having to lift 80 pound vats of stock in some of the kitchens where I worked. When I signed on to write my first cookbook, I was pregnant and already working full-time. I had to write, cook, test and photograph the entire book. This idea terrified me. There were days when I was so exhausted it was hard to get off the couch. But the book is done and will be out this year.

It just goes to show: When you’re pushed, you push back. Rise to the occasion because success might be waiting around the corner for you.